"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
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