"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
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