“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
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