"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
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