“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
The temperature can only go up from here.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
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