“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
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