“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
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