“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
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