"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
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