"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
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