“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Go to BabaMail
