"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
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