“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
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