“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
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