"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
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