“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
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