“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
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