“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
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