"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
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