"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
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