“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
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