“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
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