"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
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