“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
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