“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
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