“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
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