“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
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