"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
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