“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
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