“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
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