“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
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