“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
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