“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
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