“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
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