“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
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