“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
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