“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
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