"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
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