“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
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