“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
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