"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
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