“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
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