"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
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