"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
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