"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
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