"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
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