"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
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