"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
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