“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
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