“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
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