“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb