“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip