"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Monday should be optional.”
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn