“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel