“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw