“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”