"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey