“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono