"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow