“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings