“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin