“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade