"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey