"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar