"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld