"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald