"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
