Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”