“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown