“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost