“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams