“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown