"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine