“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
