"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
