"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro