"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott