“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien