“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent