"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens