"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin