“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain