“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld