“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns