[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous