"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield