“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"