“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman