"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Time wounds all heels."
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman