“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot