“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
