"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak