“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno