"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White