“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard